Why You Should Be Selfish

Do you remember that episode of Friends where Phoebe is trying to prove to Joey that altruistic acts exist? Joey argues that when you do a good deed, it makes you feel good, so it’s really about you, the deed-doer, not the recipient of the deed, making it selfish. Phoebe tries the whole episode to find a selfless act, and Joey just keeps besting her. Phoebe says, “I just gave birth to three children, and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!” Well…. Joey’s right.

            Why do we do what we do? There are countless ways you can answer that question. An almost infinite number of approaches you can use to come up with about a million different specific reasons. But in general, we, this being inside of our physical bodies … call it your spirit, your essence, You, whatever term resonates … we have values that guide our actions. Okay, if that’s true, then why isn’t everyone just nice all the time? Is this a difference between good and evil people? Well, no. Again, complicated answers abound. Take the average person – in general, people want to be good. People want to connect with a community and others. People want to engage in a meaningful and fulfilling way in their lives. But life is about lessons and learning how to achieve what we want and need, and that requires struggle and adversity. We don’t get anywhere without struggle. If everything was completely easy, we wouldn’t transform at all. So the values guide us, but we struggle against them too. We have to grow our bodies, which includes our brains. As children, our brains are only just coming online in terms of learning about consequences. Executive functioning is what we’re talking about. “If I stand on this bike seat, what’s going to happen? It’s gonna be fun, and my friends will think I’m cool, and I’ll be so tall and able to see for miles around! And now the ground is in my face. I really didn’t think that was gonna happen…” Our brains just don’t think that far ahead. Decisions are typically made for the short-term. At first, it’s very short-term. “I want that bottle! Give it to me now! Everything is horrible! I’m soooooo hungry and upset about it, and I’m….. oh, there it is, thanks…” As we get older, we have experiences that teach us some lessons about consequences, like that bike example teaching us how quickly gravity works.

So we start to learn, but we’re still hyper-focused on the uncomfortable feeling inside and how to make it go away. Even as adults. I can already hear some of you groaning. “Uhh, no I don’t. This is a load of bologna….” Is it, though? Think about it. If we slow down the process of what we’re actually doing, I think you’ll see what I mean. Why do you drink? I’m betting it’s because you’re chasing something or trying to leave something behind. Why do you cheat? I’m betting it’s because you’re chasing something or trying to leave something behind. See the theme? “But Carolyn, I don’t drink or cheat. This clearly doesn’t apply to me.” Okay, let’s take a more mundane example. Why do you pick up your phone when you’re bored? I’m betting it’s because you’re chasing something or trying to leave something behind. You seek excitement and stimulation, and you’re trying to avoid boredom or shame or annoyance or _________ (insert uncomfortable feeling here). Starting to resonate? I bet if I asked you to describe your perfect day, your perfect life, or you at your very best, you wouldn’t describe yourself sitting down and staring at your phone for countless hours in the day. So it’s a behavior that’s not in line with your values, and yet you’re doing it anyway. Why?

Our brains like to be at the ready for anything life-endangering. The absolute basis of our brains is survival. So what’s the best way to keep ourselves alive? Using as little energy as possible on non-essential line items. But the part of our brain that decides what’s essential is the animal brain. The part that makes sure you are physically alive and that’s it. All of our ancestors – and yes, ALL of us, because anyone in the cavemen or tribe days without the decision-making to leap away from the lion didn’t live long enough to reproduce – all of our ancestors were really good at surviving. So over all these generations, our brains have only gotten better at making sure we save up enough reserves of energy to run when we need to run, or fight when we need to fight. Which means we don’t use excess energy, because you never know when you might need it to survive.

But in modern times, that tends to be a waste of our time and our essence. We don’t typically need to be at the ready all the time. I’m going to assume that if you’re reading this, you live in an environment and a society that are generally safe. You are able to stop in your day and read an article. So you’re not fighting or running for your life right now. You have some extra brain power to put towards what you choose and want. But this animal brain of ours still doesn’t quite get that, and there are still threats in our societies, so it wants to keep everything running on auto-pilot so that we don’t have to think too much. That’s where it brings us back to uncomfortable feelings and not living by our values. Dr. Joe Dispenza points out that 95% of what we do as adults comes from the subconscious. Our brains have created these auto programs that take up much less energy rather than thinking through every single thing that we do. Now, listen. That isn’t a bad thing. Do you want to think through every single step of the process of putting on your socks and shoes? Do you remember writing How-To papers in elementary school? You don’t need to break down processes that meticulously just to do them every day. So it is a waste of brain power to try to think through every single step when your brain can just wrap it up into a bite-sized program to follow. Think about it like this: It’s like you’re driving a car, and your tires form ruts in the mud that it can follow. If you try to drive out of that rut, it’s really hard to do. And why would you want to drive anywhere off of that path that you have put in the work to create? Well, for programs like how to put on socks and shoes, or how to answer the phone at work, you don’t need to drive off of that path. But for programs like “how do I respond to the feeling of aggravation,” you may want to change what you know. Because usually, that program is something you created as a tiny child, and you haven’t even gone back to look at it to decide if you like that sequence. Five-year-old you is in charge. Five-year-old you’s needs, values, and desires are likely very different from current you. So if you know that your responses are probably not actually chosen by you, and when you really think about it, you realize those responses are probably not representative of the person you want to be or the person you think you are, wouldn’t you want to change that?

This is where I tell you what you want to hear: BE SELFISH! “Why is a therapist encouraging me to be selfish?” Because I don’t believe your true values are inconsiderate or disregarding of other people. And those values – the desire of who you actually want to be – is what I call selfish. You’re focusing on what is important to you. If you’re interested in reading a self-help article, that tells me you’re interested in growth. Real growth. The typical person only looking out for themselves is not trying to grow as a human (at least not yet. Don’t judge them too much or write them off just yet. They’re in the middle of their struggle too.) If you could actually slow down long enough to choose the way you want to respond to every uncomfortable feeling inside, I think your life would look very different. Maybe even a stark contrast to the way you behave now.

Imagine one of your darkest moments – something that brings you shame when you think about how you behaved. You weren’t anywhere near your values in that one, were you? Of course not. And does that one moment define who you are? Your whole identity? No, it does not. You are you. You are the soul, the essence, living inside your physical body. And that physical body is where the brain lies. Those seemingly instantaneous reactions are brought on by the brain, meaning the body. Not by you, the being inside. (If you are interested in learning more about this concept, I recommend Michael Singer’s book, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself)

So how do we bring the behaviors enacted by the body more in line with the values cherished by the soul? Slow. It. Down. Be in the present moment. Recognize that you are feeling uncomfortable inside, i.e. your personal experience, and choose what to do with that feeling. Don’t let your body take you over. Bring it back to a selfishness – what is your personal experience in that moment? Personal experience is going to include your physical sensations, your thoughts, and your emotions – things people outside of you could not know about unless you told them. Really what I’m describing here is a type of mindfulness. You are fully focusing your mind on you. Selfishness. Notice what is happening internally. Try it right now. Close your eyes (after this paragraph) and think about what emotions you are feeling. There are different groupings of categories in emotions, but try these on: Mad, Sad, Glad, Scared, Embarrassed, Surprised. What thoughts are popping up? Just notice them. Don’t judge them. Just make a note. And what is happening in your body? Focus in on your muscles. Are they tight? Are they relaxed? How do your shoulders feel? Are they up high, close to your head? Are they pulled back? What do you notice? Go on, try it. Ask yourself these questions. I’ll wait.

……………………(whistles)………………………

Okay, what did you notice? And now as you describe what you noticed or did not notice, clue in to whether you’re judging these things. Judging yourself. Something I hear often:

“Am I doing it right?” This sounds like worry or anxiety. Notice that emotion.

“What’s wrong with me?” Wow. There’s some self-judgement. What are you noticing that’s leading to that judgement? Just notice whatever that is.

“I couldn’t sit still long enough to notice anything.” Okay. So I’m hearing that you noticed a physical response. Your muscles were jittery. And maybe an emotion of boredom?

“I hated it.” Now this is getting straight to the point – you don’t hate the act. You hate the uncomfortable experience you had internally. So what did you hate about it? Did you hear thoughts that you’re usually trying to avoid? Did you feel emotions that you’ve made a habit of running from? Pin down what was so uncomfortable that it led you to such a strong reaction. Because I guarantee you, that is happening constantly without your noticing it. It’s just running in the background like a computer program. So instead of just being the computer user and letting it run, be the programmer, and change how you respond to certain prompts.

            Now not all mindfulness has to be sitting down with your eyes closed. Mindfulness just means that you’re being fully present in that exact moment of your life. Are you sitting down right now? Notice how the chair feels under you. Are you standing? Notice how the ground feels under your feet. Next time you’re having dinner, try to really experience your food. Don’t read. Don’t play on your phone. Don’t watch TV. Just notice what your food looks like. How does it feel when you pick it up or stab it with your fork? How does it smell? What notes did you pick up on when you sniff it? Can you hear it? Perhaps when you bite into it, it crunches. How does it feel on your tongue when you first put it in your mouth? How does it initially taste? Does that taste change as you continue to chew? How do you feel after you’ve swallowed that bite? Do you see how different of an eating experience that can be compared to how we normally rush through a meal while we multitask?

            Let’s tie this all back to how avoiding discomfort internally leads to actions out of sync with our values. If you’re experiencing something that at some point in your past, you decided you did not want to take part in, your good old animal brain will have your back and say, “Got it. We’re not gonna be conscious for that again.” So it develops a program for you. “When I feel this emotion, I check out. I get rid of it. I don’t know how to handle that emotional discomfort, so I do anything I can to get out of it. I try to get other people to change their actions. I run away. I shut down my connection to my emotional self, and I turn into a robot. Whatever I can do to not feel this way, even for a few seconds.”

Do you feel angry a lot? I’ve got news: Anger is a secondary emotion. Look for the primary emotion under that. That’s the discomfort that you’re avoiding. Maybe it’s sadness or rejection. Maybe it’s fear. Parents will say they’re angry because they’re protecting their child. Sure. That makes sense. But what’s the vulnerability under the anger? Probably something like fear. I’m afraid something is going to harm my child. Am I saying to sit back in that fear instead of taking action to protect said child? Absolutely not. Protecting your child would be in line with your values. But applying that program of “Feel fear -> Don’t like it -> Skip ahead to anger” is not going to serve you well in your relationships. So it gets in the way. Just try to investigate what you’ve got going on inside. Learn about yourself. When you start to identify your triggers for checking out, or switching over into the subconscious programming, then you can devise a plan to do something different in those moments.

            “Great, now how do I actually use this information?” Start by discovering what your values are. What’s important to you? As a general guide, think of values as a way of living your life that inform your decisions. A value is not something you can check off on a task-list. That’s a goal. But if you can identify your goals, think about what that goal would show. The value informs the goal. Here’s are some examples:

Goal -------------------------------------------------> Value

Get my degree                                       Education

Have children                                 Family & Connection

Buy a house                                      Independence

Start using a planner                                Organization

Eat nutritiously today                                  Health

            Write these values down somewhere. (Check out my journal for a convenient place to keep all this together as a daily guide) Now as you go about your day, have some check-ins with yourself to see if you’re living in accordance with your values. I suggest setting an alarm to randomly check in with yourself. At 7:30am, are your current actions reflective of those values you identified? If you value health and fitness, is eating chips in bed reflective of that? Probably not. Are you putting on your running shoes to go outside for a quick jog? That sounds reflective of those values. Now how about at 10am? And so on and so forth.

            What do you do if you are not in line with your values? For the love of Pete, don’t beat yourself up for it! Because checking-in at the moment of berating yourself would help you notice that it’s not in line with your values either, right? You likely value self-love and empowerment. Beating yourself up is not reflective of who you really are. And if you think beating yourself up is what you need to stay motivated, there is a whole other future blog post for you to read, because I’ve got a lot to say about it. If you’re not in line with your values, decide in that moment to change what you’re doing to get in line. Are you yelling at someone you love? Change your tone to a more loving one. If you’re way too upset to change in that moment, remove yourself until you can make that change. That would also be in line with your values. (Just make sure you tell them you need a moment before you walk off.)

            What do you do if you are in line with your values? Give yourself a pat on the back! Self-love is healthy. Notice when you’re doing something that makes you feel good about yourself and keep that shit up! Reinforce it. Tell yourself or someone else that you are proud of yourself. You deserve it!

            So should you be selfish? I think everyone should be, yes, defining it the way I do. If you value connection and kindness, your selfishness isn’t going to be screwing someone else over in favor of yourself. Your selfishness is going to be showing love to them because that is what is actually important to YOU, making it a “selfish” act. And since we’re talking about subconscious programming and changing that, you need to know that you’ve got to work on changing those habits. Those ruts are really worked in pretty well. So you have to remain very conscious on making these changes until you’ve created new ruts (neural pathways) to make it the new subconscious program that you don’t have to think so hard about. It will just come naturally. Following my daily journal will help guide you to change these old habits into the new ones that you want to actually embody. Just like my blog posts, you’ll see a lot of information behind why these changes are recommended and how the journal will help you to lead a happier, more fulfilling, and stress-free life.

Until the next blog post, make it a beautiful day 😊